【相声】 射雕千老传

A：最近怎么样？

B：我当上帮主了。

A：你不是在做博后吗，怎么入了帮派了？

B：这你有所不知，千老是弱势群体，只有将各地实验室联合起来，才能保障利益。

A：这我还是头一次听说。

B：本来我也不知道啊。有次和导师去拜访东邪云顶天的实验室，发现千老们都有功夫。

A：怎么看出来的？

B：先说从冰柜里取干冰的那人。如此低的温度，不戴手套就直接去拿，多半是练过寒
冰掌。

A：真够抗冻的。

B：再看使用酒精炉的那个，用完后直接拿手指头按灭。估计曾拜师南帝胖皇爷。

A：学过一阳指。

B：最绝的还是给实验配toxin的那个女博后。你看她燕雀翻飞的手法，莫非就是传说中
的毒娘子？

A：也可能是西域欧阳虎派来的奸细。那你们千老帮都怎么联络？

B：平时每个学校有个九袋长老，负责收集membership fee，定时将分会情况汇报帮主
。除此之外，领域里有个大年会，千老们每年聚在一起，搞个卫星会议。

A：那敢情挺壮观的？

B：可不是嘛。吃过午饭，你就会看到马路上陆陆续续有人朝一个方向走。

A：怎么知道是帮中兄弟？

B：背上都背着家伙呐！外壳通常有一米多长，用的时候就从一端抽出来。。。

A：宝剑？

B：Poster。

A：我忘了这茬了。

B：看我前面这组人，背包上的标志是两个翅膀，就知道是天使组里来的。

A：这个组都擅长什么？

B：当然是擅长轻功了。你看前面是个湖，别人都得绕道走，他们直接就过去了。

A：踏水而行？

B：抱着poster浮过去的。

A：我又忘了这茬了。

B：后面那组的标志是雷公电母，老天爷组出来的，练的是霹雳掌。

A：练那个干嘛？

B：他们组是研究电解氨基酸的，会这个方便。而且走到哪儿都受青少年欢迎呐，跟人
一握手，对方头发就竖起来了。

A：成了移动science fair了。

B：这一路浩浩荡荡的走着，只见认识的都互相打招呼，也有的一见面就剑拔弩张。姓
彭的！听说上次我那篇paper栽在你手里了？

A：对方怎么说？

B：你当我千手人屠的称号是白叫的？至今被我毙掉的文章，没有一千，也有几百。你
也别叫屈，之前我带的研究生答辩，是不是你派人去踢的场子？

A：这梁子结的。

B：来到会场后，照例是先由几个苦大仇深的千老，以亲身经历控诉黑窑主的恶行。然
后是学社科的上台总结过去一年的新势头，并根据美国的经济和两党执政，对今后几年
的剥削程度做定量预测。

A：还挺讲科学的。

B：接着是由研究大数据的来更新各地窑主list。比如哈佛哪个PI去了工业了，HHMI又
新增了一个。然后是年度黑窑主排行榜。

A：还挺有体系的。那谁是你们前任帮主？

B：本来我们有个特别能干的洪帮主，找到AP职位后就自动退会了。这次开会就是要商
量选新帮主的事。

A：选择条件是什么？

B：先是一人说：千老们要想都有出路，指着学术界那点儿工作机会是不行的。建议所
有人都学刷题。

A：说这话的是什么人？

B：是中神通王版主手下的。

A：全真教？

B：仿真教。

A：怪不得提倡刷题。

B：他话音一落，几个帅小伙就唰唰站起来反对。说千老们要想改变命运，首先要改变
肩不能挑，手不能提的琐男形象。

A：这几人是何方神圣？

B：一看就是马熊组的。

A：何以见得？

B：几人精干消瘦，但衣衫略略向外鼓涨。显然是已经练成了刀枪不入的。。。

A：铁布衫？

B：六块腹肌。

A：那大家同意吗？

B：这时一女子挺身而出，从行走的身法就可以看得出，这是峨眉师太曹萧楠手下的弟
子：这还用问吗？首要标准是看发了多少CNS。

A：有道理。

B：但还是有人不同意啊。说组织千老这种大事，一定要有雄厚的资金作为后盾。说起
资金，谁能比得上我们大内李公公的组？

A：倒也是这么回事儿。

B：这时候我站起来，走到主席台洪帮主的照片前：洪帮主啊！想当年您老在的时候，
千老帮是何等威风！您老时常教育我们，千老们要团结，要以解决实际问题为目标。言
犹在耳，大伙儿就先窝里斗起来了。

A：群雄听了都什么反应？

B：一个个面露愧色，坐回原处，不再吱声。我跟着从怀里掏出一份文件，转身说，这
是我给NIH的请愿书，要求把博后最低工资涨到四万七。刚刚得知已经批了，大家等着
看新闻好了。

A：原来这事儿是你捣鼓的！

B：我这文件一亮出来，下面可炸了锅了。有的说等了这么多年，终于熬出头了。也有
的很疑惑，说政府一向奸诈，我等静观其变，不可轻举妄动。

A：真热闹。

B：这时只听人群中一个声音冷冷说道：大伙儿不要只顾高兴，忘了洪帮主留下的话。
凡是谁能解决千老温饱的问题，这个位置就得由他坐。莫非咱们千老帮都是一群言而无
信之徒？

A：那大伙同意吗？

B：哪儿那么容易！第一个反对的是我们组的大对头，说我老板飞天蝙蝠柯教授是个忽
悠。

A：太过分了。

B：我说老板没本事的话我们怎么能发那么多paper？他说全靠我二老板文采好。

A：你二老板是谁？

B：妙手书生朱聪啊。

A：怪不得。

B：这波人还没搞定呢，又来了一波。说既然要做帮主，可会使本帮代代相传的打鼠棒
法？

A：你会使吗？

B：巧了，我去年在华山大会上得了最佳poster奖，奖品就是一招打鼠棒法。这招完全
不按常规SOP出手，可谓奇妙异常。

A：怎么个奇妙法？

B：这招名叫Knock-out mouse。要知道千老人微言轻，连老鼠都刁难。每次打开笼盖，
一棒下去先把小鼠敲晕乎了，就不怕它欺负你了。

A：这么个Knock-out 法。

B：谁知这时候仿真七子又站出来，摆了个七星阵。说要我写个算法破他们的阵。

A：这你破得了吗？

B：你别小看人呐，在算法界我可是有名气的。靠这个我都上了Mosquito’s Who’s 
Who了。

A：我还是离你远点儿吧。

B：我的算法还能拿来卖钱。“竞选帮主需要一笔不小的开支，在这里我再次鼓励大家
为这些高价值的算法付款。注意，你这不是在施舍。”

A：别闹了，神童。还是说说你怎么破的阵？

B：我思索再三，这阵前不能攻，后不能取，怎么办呢？突然想起我三师傅的神功来了。

A：你三师傅又是谁？

B：马王神韩春雨。

A：真能认亲戚。

B：于是我使了个声东击西之法，迂回到了侧路，暗暗提气。。。

A：明白了，你用的是中间切断？

B：错，我把他们都污染了。

（鞠躬）

Interview with T'Challa Shabach

By Fiona Rawsontile, Aug 2016

Since I met Mr. Shabach, my opinions toward Black Americans have changed a lot. He is always thinking. He actively learns new things, follows the news, and discusses with others what he envisions as the better ways to solve the problems around us.

Fiona: Mr. Shabach, I just found out that you had spent several years mentoring youth when you attended college in Washington DC. Could you tell us more about the experience? 

Mr. Shabach: I felt like I very much became the man I am because of my experience in D.C. I know one day I will be back there. Yes I mentored for others and for myself. I tried to give people a little more knowledge or at least a different perspective than what they had before. I never judge people.  I just try to understand and show it back to them a different way.

Fiona: That’s a nice teaching philosophy. I heard you recently took two college courses in communications. Why are you interested in those topics?

Mr. Shabach: I took “Ethics” and “Human Communication and Culture” towards a degree in communications. My dream is to be a film director and writer, among other things. For me this is a safe choice. I can still pursue my dream while acquiring a legitimate skill. I tutored in English mostly I could edit. I did a lot of ghost writing for people. I wrote college essays for people all the time. At one point I was writing a Master’s level paper for someone on a subject I still don't understand, but I learned to turn technical jargon into simplified English, etc. 

Fiona: Is there someone in your family who has left a particular influence on you in terms of pursuing higher education? Do you consider yourself special?

Mr. Shabach: My mother. I favored her over my father. My mother has a Master’s degree in Public Health. She served in the United States Air Force and retired as a Colonel. She always stressed the importance of education. I believe I am special in that I was born with a gift for expression and I have a vivid imagination.  But we are all special in some way; it is a matter of how and when we use it.

Fiona: As a higher educator myself, I’d like to know what you think of the American academic system. What’s the one thing you think the US academia is really good about?

Mr. Shabach: The United States school system serves as a class divider by determining what you will do in life. Based on the surrounding land values, schools may have the latest technology or no computer room. Some children go to school without being fed. The public education system does not create functional citizens. It should provide lunch just like it provides the desk. To chain the ability of learning to the ability of eating maintains and frustrates the class divide.

I feel that the American public school system creates unprepared citizens and the college and university system creates debt slaves.

Fiona: I remember once saying to you that black people are good at sports and music. You immediately corrected me. Why?

Mr. Shabach: I see music and athletics as an avenue that we are pushed through to achieve meaning in society. Some of the most powerful and popular Black Americans are known from music and athletics, because that is where we are excepted---expected and frankly groomed historically. I want the other avenues that show the diversity of our skills to be exposed.

Fiona: So the first step is to eliminate stereotypes. What are the major changes you have observed with Black Americans in the recent years?

Mr. Shabach: I think that we have continued the progression of our self-awareness in this country. What you are seeing now is the latest generation bumping against the walls of white supremacy. I don’t think the economic or religious beliefs have changed so much. What’s different is the fact that we are more aware of the conditions of others like us around the country.

Fiona: In that sense, maybe we should view some of the conflicts around us as a positive sign. If you one day became a mayor, what would you do to foster equity and harmonies in our society?

Mr. Shabach: The first thing any community needs is opportunity. I believe that attracting new industries to my hometown will replace the ones that left long ago. We have much land but not capital to build on it. I have ideas that will allow new companies to use that land and low cost of living. I believe that the lack of harmony or, as America calls it, the race question stems from economic competition.

There are countless cities across America that have been burned at the hands of White Americans in the name of economic competition. My hometown of East Saint Louis, IL is one such town that suffered at the hands of white riots. The real history of the United States---not the watered down public education version---shows that much of the racial tension stems from economic competition. My race went from a position of being economically exploited to now being economic competed for the very people who used to make a living off of us.

When you understand that, then it is not hard to see where the violence and hate towards my race comes from and still persists today.  I am confident that is why black riots are highlighted the way they are---to cover the history of the white riots. It is easy to show a broken man off to the world for contempt, when you have been beating him privately. It is not complaining or making an excuse to say that the capitalist economic system depends on a permanent underclass and in numerous ways Black Americans have been made that underclass. The solution however goes beyond simply identifying the problem.

In my country the words "our jobs" creates a lot of tension; it shows just who thinks everything belongs to them. That is why I believe harmony is only obtained through prosperity that we obtain from ourselves. But not even this guarantees peace as the example of Black Wall Street in Oklahoma shows. A prosperous all-black town was destroyed by White Americans in a series of riots that lasted for days-again, in the name of economic competition. I am not saying that White Americans have the heart of the devil or that Black Americans deserve all the tears of the world. I am saying the strife and results you see between these two races is not the results or one group's superiority versus other groups’ worthlessness. You are watching the conflict between one group whose success hinged on the other, and the other group looking for success independent of the first.

I am not a segregationist, and I reject the notion that cities or areas have to be all one race or another. I have to sometimes think in the mindset of my race doing for ourselves, because that is the basis of any community, racial or otherwise. I want my city to one day embrace immigrants from all over the world. I want people from Palestine, China, and Cuba in the city of East Saint Louis, because I believe diversity and strength in the common goal of shared prosperity is the best defense against white supremacy.

I believe the current state of my race makes us natural allies to people who are fighting against unfair opposition and oppression. It is not that we are permanent victims---it is a reality that we are in a permanent struggle against an economic system that disallows us to make value for ourselves. There are many groups living and dead that have struggled against this very system, but we carry on getting stronger as we go. I am confident that one day we will truly buy our freedom and our image.

Fiona: Well, Mr. Shabach, you left me nearly speechless. "Harmony is only obtained through prosperity that we obtain from ourselves." The future of a group is, in the end, determined by the goals and efforts of the same people who form the group, not someone else. Thank you for sharing your wisdom with us, and I look forward to seeing your dreams come true.

一些关于幽默文学创作的想法

很多人认为幽默文学靠的都是灵感，不能按照什么原则来写。我的体会是，有灵感的时候固然下
笔如有神，但在没有的时候也要能做踏实的创作才行，否则难免会手里一堆未完作品。
而且很多写作通用的规则也适用于写笑话。

1. Show, not tell.

这在小说创作中算是golden principle. 比方说，你一打开门，今天的雨好大呀！这属
于Tell。如果你写的是，“门虽然开了，外面的世界被屋檐垂下的雨帘隔着，看不清楚
。”这叫Show。就是把事实描述出来，到底雨大不大让读者自己去体会，去判断。秉着
这个原理，无论是在幽默文学的题目，还是叙事中，都要尽量避免“真是搞笑啊”这种
Tell。这么说吧，如果对自己的内容自信的话，那就大方直接的摆出来，大家自然会笑
。如果不确定大家会不会觉得好笑的话，那即使你承诺你要讲的很好笑，又能有何帮助
呢？就是这个道理。

2. Stop at the right place.

小说中的高潮叫climax，高潮之后通常要收一下尾，交代下各个重要人物的去向，叫
aftermath。在大型创作中虽然aftermath几乎是必不可少，但是要尽量短，无论观众们
是多么舍不得和刚刚熟悉的角色们说拜拜，拖太久了会减弱climax的效果。最近看了好
几部电影都有aftermath太长的毛病，个人认为不该超过三分钟，很多都十分钟了。

至于笑话这种超短篇，我认为除非有特殊情况，基本上应该kill掉任何aftermath。首
先，如果有多过一个笑点的话，最搞笑的一定要放在最后，没有例外。如果在重点讲完
之后，你觉得还可以加一点儿搞笑力度弱的东西，建议删掉，放到新笑话里。最好就是
在climax出现后，戛然而止。对于笑话之后还加两句注释的，完全是狗尾续貂。

如果是相声的话，climax一定要出自逗哏之口。后面最多可以有一句aftermath由捧哏
说出，常见的如“去你的吧！” “这么个XX啊！” “嗨！” 但是我试验过，如果将
这句去掉的话其实也完全不影响理解，效果可能还更好。

3. 善用对话

很多“专业的”（出色的）笑话，都是靠那么一两句写得很绝的对话。而有些笑话虽然
idea不错，但是用的是叙述性语气，效果就弱很多。通过对话较容易实现上面第一条，
show, not tell. 比如经典的小明笑话里，基本都是对话。老师的那句：“滚出去！”
如果不用对话来写，就只能说：“老师气坏了。”

有时我们看普通网民自己写的笑话，一读就能读出种“业余味”，很大程度就是该用对
话来show的时候，变成了作者自己tell（当然这里没有批评业余作者的意思，还是希望
更多的人加入创作的队伍）。尤其要注意的是一些第一人称的笑话，因为既然写的是“
我”了，作者就误认为没有必要再采用对话形式了，结果就容易出现“可把我气坏了”
等描述性语言，影响了效果和力度。

要注意的是，小说写作中，很多初学者认为，如果要对话显得真实，就应该像人们平日
说话那样。其实这都是外行的看法，Dialogue 不能是普通对话，虽然它必须“显得”
很生活化。下面是两个很好的解说。

It’s not enough simply to record the way people actually talk. The dialogue
must be concentrated, shaped, dramatically moving, in a way that real-life 
conversation seldom is. ~ Philip Gerard

Dialogue, contrary to popular view, is not a recording of actual speech; it 
is a semblance of speech, an invented language of exchanges that build in 
tempo or content toward climaxes. ~ Sol Stein

现在文学界普遍认同的两样就是，dialogue必须要反应出说话的这个人的某些特性，比
如年龄，教育程度，性别，心情，等。同时，它还必须要推进情节的发展。好的
dialogue两样都要占全。我觉得大部分笑话中的对话都满足情节推动这一点，但是有不
少在人物刻画上有点儿欠缺，就是无论老爸老妈儿子女儿老板秘书的话，都像一个人嘴
里出来的，这个能再注意一些就好了。


附录：曾写过《说笑话技巧总结》一文，现一并收录在这里：
（也分网上贴的和当面说的，先说前者，然后再讲讲后者特有的。）

1. 题目
之前说过这个问题，很多人就怕题目不够夸大别人都不来看，其实这不是聪明的策略。
If the content cannot meet expectations, 本来可以笑的人家都不笑了。

题目最好是inviting and informative。比如给出具体内容，teasing，但是千万不能
露馅，这是最忌讳的。

2. 前言 preface
非常忌讳。很多人喜欢先介绍一下这个笑话哪里来的，这倒罢了。更多的是自作聪明先
许诺“把我给笑的”。跟夸大题目一个样。而且人家笑不笑是人家的事，最终取决于笑话
的水平，不要以为你能引导人家。

3. 后续解释 prologue
更忌讳。有些人觉得就自己聪明，生怕人家都看不懂。大部分观众都比演员聪明。真看
不懂也就看不懂吧，不就是个笑话吗？可是自己解释绝对是画蛇添足。

4. 太长
尽量短，短，短。啰嗦会“稀释”幽默感。例外就是，有时候开头的啰嗦是为了营造一
种效果，但注意，这必须是来自artistic conscious。得是有意识的这么做。大部分情
况都应该短短短。

5. 夸大语气
和题目一样，很多人喜欢加感叹号，或者强烈的词“一看原来是什么什么！”这其实和
讲笑话自己先笑一样，都是大忌。

当面讲：（大部分和上面都是一致的）
1.要表情平静严肃
这个和上面很多类都是一样的，不能自己笑（不能未讲先笑，不能边讲边笑，不能讲完
后自己笑）。也不要夸大语气。

2.要自信
这个书面上看不出来，但是有些人在讲的时候，太注意群众“反馈”。一边讲，一边在
乎人家有没有听，有没有get it，有没有笑。结果就是几种：1）讲得很怯懦，2）故意
夸张想用语气和肢体来弥补内容上的weakness，3）自己笑来引导人家，或者解释。如
果你对自己的笑话自信，这些都是不必要的。

总的来说，讲笑话的最高境界就是：平淡无奇的讲出来。别人get it 就get it，不理
解就由他去。