“What is EQ?
If IQ is something you have little control over, then EQ is everything else you
could shape for yourself, at least theoretically.” ~ Fiona Rawsontile
1. To make it easy
The first
half of the sentence is straightforward: when we are in a conversation, say
what we truly want to say. Why would anybody not do this? Because people often
misinterpret the so-called “art of communication” as hiding one’s true thoughts,
which I don’t agree with. Yes, there are situations when we have to conceal our
feelings or dodge the questions, but that has nothing to do with better
communication skills. For most conversations, the ultimate goal is to tell
people exactly what we want them to know, no more and no less. If the message
may hurt the feelings of other people, we may find ways to soften the impact, or
to let them know it’s not personal and we do this for a good reason. A skillful
talker can often minimize the impact of an adverse message. Nevertheless, the
message has to be unmistakably delivered in the end. No matter how beautifully
you have phrased it, if you didn’t have the guts to say what you had meant to
say, or your wording was so ambiguous that the listener was left wondering,
then the mission has simply failed.
Whether one
is good or bad at conversations, clarification and honesty are always preferred
qualities for constructing positive relationships. Especially for people you
need to work with for a long period of time, being a straightforward person allows
them to trust you. Yes, your candid words and forthright manners occasionally make
them unhappy, but after a while, they will appreciate the fact that at least
they can easily know your true opinions. We are modern people with enough business
and crises to worry about. If we have to spend extra time trying to decipher
someone’s meaning or gauge how much we could rely on our ears, we’d rather not
deal with that person, however sweet he/she appears to be at first.
As group
leaders, making explicit statements about our rules and expectations can save
us trouble from those who may, at a later time, intentionally bend our sayings
to justify their misbehaviors. “I’m sorry. I thought you meant …” We know it
wasn’t true, but why give them the opportunity? Eliminate any ambiguity. Avoid
words that weaken the tone of our authority. Meanwhile, try to cultivate a
similar style of clarity with the group, rather than “everything is being
implied.” If someone makes an obscure statement, we could rephrase it and ask
them to confirm if this is what they meant. Soon they’ll catch on.
2. To make it effective
The second
half of the sentence, “mean what you say,” is more difficult to practice. When
it’s about ourselves, we need to demonstrate a determination to stick to it, or
at least try our best until the promise could no longer be kept. If it’s
related to others, such as a rule made for the lab, it has to be implemented
with rare exceptions. Does it sound harsh? Yes, but that’s the price we pay for
becoming an effective leader. Why would people take our words seriously, if
they know we are likely to change our mind later?
In terms of
classroom teaching, it is always recommended to spend some time on a detailed
syllabus, and then follow along. Does that mean whatever is the on the syllabus
has to be better than any other alternative? No. The reason we put something
there is not because it’s the best practice (although there is no reason not to
choose the best), but because students need some kind of rules and guidelines. If they see the syllabus is being strictly
followed, they can rest assured that they understand the teacher’s
expectations. Every time we change something in the middle of the term, even if
it’s for their good as we believe, uncertainty or even distrust may arise. “Who
knows if the design project I’ve been working on so hard will indeed count for
20% of the overall grade?”
I remember someone
on this forum once told this story. He/she said in the syllabus that class attendance
was required, and then sent out an email notice every time before a quiz. Well,
if students were supposed to come to every lecture, why was such a notice
needed? This action was telling the students that they did not need to come to
every lecture. Worse, this action implied that the teacher was not serious
about the rules that had been made. Tiny things like this can have a bad effect
on students’ behaviors.
About
curving, some teachers like it, others would never try it. This is your choice,
but I believe it’s not a good idea to introduce curving only after you have
graded the final exam, while the syllabus has indicated a seemingly fixed
criterion. I know you don’t want to fail half of the students in the class, but
unless this is your first time teaching the course, you should have had more
realistic expectations before the class began. In the worst case, state in the
syllabus that curving may be applied in the end depending on the class’s
overall performance.
In terms of
managing a lab, not keeping one’s words as a PI can be destructive. This
includes the selection of research topics. “Oh, team, let’s do this!” The next
day, “I have a better idea!” Fine, but if it happens three times in a role, you
have presented yourself as someone who lacks judgments. So “mean what you say”
implies that we should think twice before choosing a topic. If your students
did some literature searching after you gave them a topic, only to find that
you have trashed the idea the very next day, they’ll learn to wait in the
future, and probably much longer than you would like them to.
“All right,
you are telling us that once we have made a plan, no matter how stupid it turns
out to be, we have to follow it through?” Of course not. We all make mistakes,
and even if we have made a sound decision at first, the circumstance may gradually
evolve into a stage when the initial judgment no longer holds. By no means, alter
the plan as you see fit. The important thing is that we don’t want to appear “arbitrary”
in doing so. Not only inform everybody about the change, but also explain the
rationale. If it was a mistake, admit it and apologize for wasting others’ time.
3. What’s
beyond
Why do we
need a leader? The actions and decisions he makes are only part of the job. Personality
and professionalism play a big role and may even determine the team’s future. When
a crisis occurs, when everyone is running around to hear about the latest rumor
on budget cuts, seeing that the leader maintains composure and behaves normally
alone may calm the team members, even before any action is initiated to solve
the problem. Both “say what you mean” and “mean what you say” reflect the confidence
and determination that the person is not afraid of expressing his opinions,
making promises, and taking responsibilities, all towards the realization of a
clear goal.
Now, here
come the interesting counterparts. You think you have followed the two
principles, but why is the result far from desired? There can be styles or
actions that actually compromise the effect. The first is repetitiveness. Say
what you mean, and say once. When people don’t follow, what they need to see is
the consequence, not your reiteration of the rule. Okay, I know this is too
harsh. You can remind them once, but definitely do not form the habit of
repeating what you have said again and again.
Another is over-justification.
When a rule is first made, you could explain why we need it there. If someone
violates it, point it out seriously with a warning. We don’t want people to
think that a rule has to make sense to them or they would not follow it. If a
student got a bad grade with your class and wondered why, just show him the
syllabus and your calculation. If you explain why the quizzes count for 25% of
the overall grade and why the exams had to be so hard, you are encouraging them
to challenge on how you set the criterion. In other words, over justification weakens
the authority.
When I first
set up a lab, I wanted to create a Lab Manual. Three years later, I saw that
empty file folder sitting on a shelf. Rules are rules not because they are
written on paper or carved in stone, but because they exist in people’s heads
and get strictly followed.
